This day really seems to be sliding downhill. Whilist i was taking a shower(trying to get 20 min of me time) the kids somehow broke my computer... hopefully their dad can fix it when he gets home (Perk of having an IT proff in the house).  I came unspooled again when I came upon Mezz's girlfriend's blog quite by accident, and read about them getting engaged last month... Not that this upsets me per say... Just i envy them and what they have.  No one has ever professed their love for me in writing like that.  I truly wonder what it'd be like.  The only two things i truly beg God for is for me to finnally get a job that i can live on and to bring someone in my life that can give me what my other friends have and openly profess it.  Is there anything wrong with wanting to feel special and that kind of love?

 

  On the upside, I got some really kind responses to my last couple of entries from some ppl here at mindsay.  They mean alot when I'm feeling isolated and in a vacume.

  Oh man, I am thoughly exughsted today and have hit an emotional wall... I don't think mark will be going with us to the aquarium, he says Alex is in 'Bama... I wish he'd just come along anyway.  I need any part of him I can get. And as much as I can get... I'm such an old fool...

I am feeling lonely

 Yesterday took Sean to the waterpark for one last day of fun, since he starts school on Tuesday and on Monday we have to take him to the kidney specialist... I sure hope this guy can figure out what's wrong with him, it sure is stressing me out with every test coming back negetive, they say that's a good thing... well, yes but also no, when the symptoms remain and are getting worse at times.   I forgot to put sun block on my legs and i got them pretty well burnt...

 

  I'm pretty bummed and stressed over the Sean/ Mark/ no job situations. wayne has even emailed him to get a response, but so far nada... I don't know if the news of his dad's illness put him in a fresh tailspin or what, but he seams to have gone back into his shell again.  He's going to wind up getting fired  if he dosen't straighen himself out.  I also have been thinking alot about Ira/Bandito, and I miss him a lot too and wonder if he'll be comming back to the Forums.

 

I've been wondering alot lately how much of my bad feeling and saddness is hormonal... see, I'm a confusing mess since my surgery last fall. I'm both menapausal and cyclical since they had to leave one ovary in there. and I feel I'm getting both barrels every month-PMS and the menepausal stuff... so I just hit a wall emotionally every month where I just break down. But the things that spawn the breakdowns are very real. and my pain and isolation are real and so is the lack of a job.  

   I don't even know how to start tonight...  My mind is racing so fast that I can't get a logical thought patteren. But i know I must blog since I've no one to purge to so I'll purge to the computer as best as I can.  i don't know how much more I can take... I have given wayne so many chances and he is totally unable or unwilling to try... tonight i brought up the fact that he says he is never too old to learn something new for his professional life but, is totally unable to in his interpersonal relationships. And I can't tell any of the ppl I'm closest to cause they are his friends and family and he's not ready for them to know yet.

 

 I feel like such a caged animal, my self-worth is nill... I can't find a job and i can't figure out why.  I wish I had a safe haven to go to where I could just get trashed and be away from here.  Nobody cares, I have no family or friends that aren't his, som I'm traped here in the middle of nowhere, and I have totally lost me... I don't even know who I am anymore.  I don't know where the lie ends and reality begins.

  Why can't someone please reach out to me?  Why was I ever created? I have no purpose that I can find...

 

Well, this past Sat was my birthday and we all got together for gameing that evening, and it was really fun, (as it usually is...).  I don't know, but I may have made a few teny-tiny miniscule inroads with HIM...  He kept looking across the table at me when I'd make comments that were  oppisite of his ex's viewpoints and giving me kinda momentary looks of approval.  Or maybe it's still just wishful thinking on my part.  I have really tried to get him out of my system, but it's a no-go.  It's really funny, we are on the same dateing site and I expanded my geographical range to include where he lives, and his profile finally popped up with a 72% match that's about as high as I ever get .  I really don't know what his problem is... I feel I would be good for him and I never in million years do to him what she did.  I'd give absloutly anything to figure out how to be worthy of him ... I want him so badly.  Maybe I still need to give it more time? maybe the more he's around me, he might realize that we do kinda click, maybe he just needs to get to know me better? I've just never been the patient one... As I have found out, all I can do is wait it out, because this thing is just not going to go away.  Sometimes I wish it would then I wouldn't feel this way all the time.  I just wish I could see him more than once a month, that is really killing me.